I couldn't keep the tears from welling up. I didn't want others to see.
I just wanted to pick up that sweet baby. Hold him. Allow him to feel someone's skin against his own -- something he hadn't felt before.
But I was just his nurse. I had to wear gloves and a gown. And he had a breathing tube that wouldn't allow being held in that way, anyway.
I wanted him to know that he was loved.
I wanted to take away the injustice that was so prevalent in his precious life.
I wanted him to know that I was so sorry.
I wanted him to know that ----- oh, lunch break's over.
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I cried when I got home last night.
I'm crying as I write this.
And I know I will cry again.
I'm glad that I cry about heartbreaking circumstances. It forces me to remain human when I deal with such fragile lives each day at work.
But, oh man, it's hard.
"Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." -- Psalm 63:3
This verse keeps ringing through my mind. Actually, if I'm being honest, I feel like this verse is a brick being thrown at me by the Lord.
I don't feel like praising God after witnessing what I witnessed yesterday at work. It's just too much, you guys. I don't have a thankful heart. I don't have a joyful heart. My lips don't want to praise Him.
But as I sit outside today in the warm sun and read through Ezekiel 36, my heart becomes softer when I read promises like these, "For behold, I am for you, and I will turn to you..." {v. 9} and, "Then the nations that are left all around you shall know that I am the Lord; I have rebuilt the ruined places and replanted that which was desolate. I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it" {v. 36}.
*deep breath in, and out*
I'm forced to close my eyes and remember that the Lord is for His people. He takes brokenness, desolation, absolute and utter ruin, and brings it back to life.
Our God is as able as they come.
And so tomorrow, I will put on my scrubs, proudly wear my name badge that says "nurse" in big, bold letters, and walk into my mission field, ready to witness the great and mighty work of our Lord Jesus.
"And I will cause you to be inhabited as in your former times, and will do more good to you than ever before. Then you will know that I am the Lord." -- Ezekiel 36:11
