lunch

I ate my lunch in the back corner of the break room, facing the wall.

I couldn't keep the tears from welling up. I didn't want others to see.


I just wanted to pick up that sweet baby. Hold him. Allow him to feel someone's skin against his own -- something he hadn't felt before.

But I was just his nurse. I had to wear gloves and a gown. And he had a breathing tube that wouldn't allow being held in that way, anyway.

I wanted him to know that he was loved.

I wanted to take away the injustice that was so prevalent in his precious life.

I wanted him to know that I was so sorry.

I wanted him to know that ----- oh, lunch break's over.

*************************************************************

I cried when I got home last night.

I'm crying as I write this.

And I know I will cry again.

I'm glad that I cry about heartbreaking circumstances. It forces me to remain human when I deal with such fragile lives each day at work.

But, oh man, it's hard.

"Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." -- Psalm 63:3

This verse keeps ringing through my mind. Actually, if I'm being honest, I feel like this verse is a brick being thrown at me by the Lord.

I don't feel like praising God after witnessing what I witnessed yesterday at work. It's just too much, you guys. I don't have a thankful heart. I don't have a joyful heart. My lips don't want to praise Him.

But as I sit outside today in the warm sun and read through Ezekiel 36, my heart becomes softer when I read promises like these, "For behold, I am for you, and I will turn to you..." {v. 9} and, "Then the nations that are left all around you shall know that I am the Lord; I have rebuilt the ruined places and replanted that which was desolate. I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it" {v. 36}.

*deep breath in, and out*

I'm forced to close my eyes and remember that the Lord is for His people. He takes brokenness, desolation, absolute and utter ruin, and brings it back to life.

Our God is as able as they come.

And so tomorrow, I will put on my scrubs, proudly wear my name badge that says "nurse" in big, bold letters, and walk into my mission field, ready to witness the great and mighty work of our Lord Jesus.

"And I will cause you to be inhabited as in your former times, and will do more good to you than ever before. Then you will know that I am the Lord." -- Ezekiel 36:11

it's too much

These past few months I have been thinking to myself over and over again that it's all too much. Life. It's too much.

I grew up hearing the phrase, "God never gives you more than you can handle." And while that phrase is meant to be an encouragement, my oh my how untrue it is. Besides, how encouraging is it to hear in your lowest moments, when it takes every ounce of energy in your being to get out of bed each.and.every.day. that God thinks you can handle what you've been given? "Good luck down there, kid. You can handle this." Eh, not so encouraging, my friends. Not so encouraging.

I had my first full-blown panic attack the night before my first shift as a nurse back in February. I could have sworn to you there was an elephant sitting on my chest and my throat was closing up, and for the first time, praying didn't make it go away. Praying didn't make my body stop shaking. Praying didn't give me back my breath or bring sleep. I thought it was maybe a one-time event, but little did I know, God was going to bring me months of small and large anxiety attacks -- and here I am now. Writing this. Shaking. With high blood pressure and a much faster, full, bounding "resting" heart rate. It's still here.

Why, God? I don't see the point in this. It feels like all too much.

I am reading through Ezekiel, and I've been stuck on the latter part of chapter 24 for days now.

The word of the Lord came to me: “Son of man, behold, I am about to take the delight of your eyes away from you at a stroke; yet you shall not mourn or weep, nor shall your tears run down. Sigh, but not aloud; make no mourning for the dead. Bind on your turban, and put your shoes on your feet; do not cover your lips, nor eat the bread of men.” So I spoke to the people in the morning, and at evening my wife died. And on the next morning I did as I was commanded {Ezekiel 24:15-18}.

Excuse me? So, God, You told Ezekiel that You were going to take his wife, the delight of his eyes, away from him, and then not even allow him to grieve? 

Ezekiel learned that there was nothing God could not ask of him. Not only did God take away his ability to speak on his own {Ezekiel 3:26}, but He then took Ezekiel's wife and Ezekiel was expected to go on as if nothing had happened, to be a sign of what was to come upon Israel. 

Man, that seems like too much for one human. God did it anyway.

This post doesn't have a happy ending as you may describe one. 

I can't rest in thinking that it will all get better, because heck, it might not! I may have this the rest of my life. 

I can't rest in thinking I will learn some greater purpose as to why I have anxiety, because I still have no idea why half the things happen on this earth! ( I really don't know much of a reason anything happens here, if I'm being honest with myself..) 

I wasn't there when God laid the foundation of the earth. I wasn't there when he commanded the mornings to begin. His ways are clearly higher than mine. His thoughts are clearly not my thoughts.

I can, however, tell you what I do know. 

I have a God that was humble enough to put on my skin, walk this life ahead of me, endure my death on the cross built for me, and grant me, freely, eternal life with Him. I know I have a God who listens to my every plea {1 John 5:15} and even collects my many, many tears {Psalm 56:8}. I have a God who is able to do anything, even if He doesn't choose to {Daniel 3:17,18}.

When my body becomes overcome with anxiety to the point where I have to stop what I'm doing, I know that God is right with me, fighting for me, handling this however He sees fit. 

I don't have an empowering "go get em!" type message. That's just not where I am right now. This is very real to me, and I know that so many people are struggling with their own forms of this. Whether it be an exhausting, seemingly never-ending stage of motherhood that leaves you completely empty at the end of the day all the while knowing the very next day will be exactly the same, or a miscarriage that is accompanied by waves of grief that are paralyzing, or the job that is so dissatisfying you feel yourself becoming a hardened, angry version of yourself, or the relationship that used to be there and just isn't anymore, or the depression that never lifts, or anything else..

PEOPLE there are so many battles we've been given by our sovereign God and they all seem to be way too much. Our frail bodies cannot go on. We have nothing left to give. We have no fight left in us. 

And that's okay.

Sometimes there aren't solutions, at least not immediate ones. 

We weren't meant to handle all that we've been given. There would be no point in a God who saves -- we can't make our own salvation or work our way to Heaven, so why should we be expected to handle this life? 

Jesus has accomplished ALL THINGS. 

And so tonight, as I'm finally falling asleep, I will know that God can feel the shakiness in my body and the heart beat that is rushing through me. I will know that He is collecting my tears and listening to my every plea for this to be lifted. I will know that He has given heavy things to His people throughout all of history, and that this will continue until this earth is made new. I will know that my God is a God who saves, and that He is capable of breathing this all away, yet may choose to let it linger a bit longer for reasons only He knows.

And I will know that through it all, God is good. That is solid, rock hard truth. I can't deny His goodness when I see His sun rise each morning -- and that is the very same God that tenderly loves my broken heart. 

Tonight, I still have anxiety. 

But also tonight, I have a God on my side.

Those things can coexist. 

"The Lord will fight for you, and you need only to be silent."
{Exodus 14:14}

what we hope for ~

then a throne will be established in steadfast love,
and on it will sit in faithfulness
in the tent of David
one who judges and seeks justice
and is swift to do righteousness.
{Isaiah 16:5}

That's what we want, isn't it? Ask anyone on this earth, and they will agree with you, we want justice. We want what is right to win. We want to have a judge that is fair and good. We want to have a judge that we trust, and if our judge is right and just, that is trustworthy. So, if this is what we all crave in the deepest parts of us, why do we reject the perfect Judge?

We live in a world where no one wants to be judged, but everyone wants to be the judge. 

The problem with that is we cannot be the perfect judge. We are not givers of steadfast love. We are not faithful. We are not swift to do righteousness. We are not capable of those qualities. Sure, maybe one minute I keep my word and deliver upon my promises, but the next minute, I'm plotting how to get out of a commitment I previously made.

Good news.

There is a perfect Judge, and we already have Him.

He was born into a world that eagerly awaited the answer to their pain. This heir to the throne of David was coming, they had been told, clothed in righteousness, and He was going to deliver them from their suffering. Generation after generation, the people waited and waited for their King.

But then He came.
Born to a poor family.
A baby.
In the middle of the night in a small town.

The world didn't know He had even come. The people looked right through Him, pushing Him aside as they watched and waited for what they thought would be their deliverance - a majestic king, they thought, would come and rule on earth forever. He would build them up. He would solve their problems. He would look and smell much better than this guy.

THE PERFECT JUDGE WALKED AMONG US.
THE PERFECT JUDGE DIED OUR DEATH FOR US.
THE PERFECT JUDGE SENT HIS SPIRIT TO DWELL WITHIN US.

But since we want to be the judge, we reject this perfect Judge, because He makes us feel uncomfortable. He makes us feel weird. He tells us we can't do things we feel we want to do. And when our life crumbles, we curse this perfect Judge, blaming His existence for our brokenness.

We hope for this perfect Judge. We hope for peace on earth. We hope for goodness to prevail. But our own corruption prevents us from seeing this Judge as perfect. And so we mope around, complaining about our lives and greedily choosing what we want, telling everyone else they're doing life wrong, and going about our miserable way.

This Christmas, and forevermore, let us fall on our knees and pray to this perfect Judge for His grace and mercy to fall upon us. Let us pray to be clothed in His innocently spilled blood, in His righteousness. Let us pray to have eyes to see what is truly good, what is truly just, what is truly right, even if it makes us feel weird. Let us boldly approach His perfect throne, for we know that His grace is bigger than the murders we commit.

He came to save. Let us pray that we may receive His salvation.

for the Lord is our Judge,
the Lord is our lawgiver,
the Lord is our King,
He will save us.
{Isaiah 33:22}

Out of Judgment comes Compassion

This year I've gained an affinity for the Old Testament. I have discovered the beauty in God's relentless pursuance of His people all the while they (us) toss Him to the side, infatuated by their (our) earthly gods.

I started studying Isaiah a couple weeks ago, and God is showing me a clear relationship between His judgment and His compassion.

God's chosen people - the tribe of Judah, the house of Jacob, Israel - continually forgot His promises and turned to their earthly gods. (Read through Judges, Joshua, Jeremiah, Isaiah, and Hosea, to name a few). They abandoned the Lord for short-term pleasures, and this disease-like pattern of living spread like wildfire throughout the land.

In order to be washed as white as snow {Isaiah 1:18}, His people needed to be purified. We always struggle with God's methods of purification. When we think of the Lord as good, we think of our definition of goodness, and it is similar to nonmaleficence - doing no harm. We need to be reminded that His ways are not our ways {Isaiah 55:8-9}, therefore His goodness is different than what we think and define as good. God restores His people to better versions of themselves (ourselves). He does so by justice {Isaiah 1:27}. It would not be just to let people continually walk in sin with a complete disregard for the Lord.

This is exactly what happened to Israel.

He brought their enemies against them, bringing Israel to destruction. He showed this people, once again, that their need for Him was greater than their need for anything else. They could not gain security by following the ways of the kings that held a position of earthly power - He is the giver of security.

His now oppressed people were crying out to Him again, and He heard their cries. God is just; He will not let His people sit in oppression and destruction because He has CHOSEN them {Isaiah 14:1}.

In Isaiah chapter 13, the Lord brings a vision to Isaiah about the future destruction of Babylon and the Babylonian king. Destroying Babylon would be an act of compassion on His people, because Babylon was a great enemy of the people of Judah. By giving Isaiah the vision of the future destruction of Babylon to share with the remnant of Israel, the Lord showed His compassion on His chosen people.

Out of judgement comes compassion.

One thing I love about this story is that God gives His people a taunt against the king of Babylon. "When the Lord has given you rest from your pain and turmoil and the hard service with which you were made to serve, you will take up this taunt against the king of Babylon" {Isaiah 14:3-4}. In this taunt against Babylon, the Lord shows Israel what their world will be like after their pain and turmoil ceases: "The whole earth is at rest and quiet; they break forth into singing" {Isaiah 14:7}. Oh, how I am sure Isaiah and the people of Israel longed for that rest and quiet.

I find myself so similar to the people of Israel. I forget my God and cling to my gods. I find myself wanting nothing more than to have earthly security - like financial security, the adoration of my classmates or coworkers, the grades and job I want, etc. - but I need to be reminded that by doing this, I forsake Jesus. And similarly to the people of Israel, I need to be pruned, purified, and washed clean. I need the Lord, in His justice, to break me down and get rid of the evil in my heart.

And because the Lord is the same throughout all eternity {Hebrews 13:8}, I know that He will bring a time of rest and quiet for my heart, just like He brought this to the people of Israel.

Our God is good. Out of His judgment comes compassion.

"Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice" {Psalm 51:8}.

Are We Nice or Are We Bold?

“Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you" {Matthew 5:11-12}.

I've recently taken to reflecting on beliefs I've held at different times throughout my life. One that has popped up multiple times in the last few years but has really been bugging me lately is this stereotype or teaching that Christians are supposed to be recognized by their niceness. I really believed this in middle school and high school. I was taught this. I thought that the nicer I was, the more attractive I was going to be to non-Christians, and therefore people would want to become Christians because it all seemed like a perfectly wrapped present. 

"See? Isn't Christianity awesome? You'll automatically be nicer because, well, Jesus."

Where in the Bible does Jesus say to be nice because that is what makes disciples? 

....Nowhere....

Not only that, but was Jesus always what we would define as "nice" in our culture? I mean, you guys, he flipped tables {John 21:12-17}. He called the religious leaders hypocrites {Matthew 23, just to name one time}. He bluntly spoke to the woman at the well about her promiscuous behaviors AKA the fact that she had been married 5 times and the person she was currently living with was not even her husband {John 4:16-18}. So let me answer that question for you: no, we would not define those actions as "nice."  

Jesus was forward, blunt, even sometimes coming off as rude, because the stakes were that high. He valued His people so much that He needed to tell them the truth, right then and there.

Jesus didn't come to make friends! He came to give this world their only hope! "Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me'" {John 14:6}. He knew that if people didn't understand His impenetrable grace and the work He did for us on the cross that we would rot in hell for all eternity.  This was seriously a matter of life (Heaven) or death (hell) for the world. 

AND it still is a matter of life or death. The stakes are STILL that high.

I'm not trying to discourage acts of kindness. These are natural responses to the work the Lord has done in our hearts through the process of sanctification. Kindness is part of the fruit of the Spirit {Galations 5:22}. However, Christianity is so much more than that. I want to break down the belief that as Christians everyone should like us and want to be us because we are so nice. I know there are people out there that cling to that thought and feel as though they are "doing it wrong" when they face resistance in the form of persecution. 

Jesus was persecuted, and He calls us to gladly follow Him in all ways, including this one - rejoicing in persecution. Refer to the scripture at the top of this post from Matthew 5. Rejoice and be glad. "Princes persecute me without cause, but my heart stands in awe of your words" {Psalm 119:161}.

Y'all, persecution is hard. All the Christians I know have lost friends at some point because of their beliefs, specifically because they spoke truths when others did not want to hear them. This world tells us we are closed-minded, uptight, judgmental, forceful, offensive, and just plain wrong, to name a few. If we don't accept what the world views as right and instead follow the Gospel, we can face anything from mockery to murder. 

"For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?" {Matthew 16:26}

This is exactly how Jesus was treated while on this earth. Some people heard Him and gave up everything to follow Him no matter the cost, but the majority were outraged by His boldness to speak up and call people out of the destructive paths they were on. 

This did not cause Jesus to stray from His mission. In fact, being persecuted gave Him reassurance. 

Wanna know why? It starts all the way back in Genesis 4 when Cain murdered his brother Abel. From then on, God's chosen people faced destruction over and over again. Jesus knew to expect this, and He warned Christians that we will face this until He returns or calls us home. 

“Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. Beware of men, for they will deliver you over to courts and flog you in their synagogues, and you will be dragged before governors and kings for my sake, to bear witness before them and the Gentiles. When they deliver you over, do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour. For it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. Brother will deliver brother over to death, and the father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death, and you will be hated by all for my name's sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved" {Matthew 10:16-22}.

Fellow Christians, we must be willing to fight this good fight. We must be willing to lose everything. In this process, many will come to know Jesus and be saved. They aren't saved by our niceness, but in fact, through our boldness to follow the example of our Teacher, so that He can reveal Himself to them. 

It will be hard. We will be hated. But, oh, how I am forever grateful for those who took bold steps to call me out of my path of destructiveness and speak truths about the Almighty One. We are not Jesus - He is the one who saves. BUT. He calls us to go and make disciples {Matthew 28:19}. Therefore 1) we should, and 2) He uses us as part of His plan to save His chosen ones. 

There are people around us, awaiting their moment of salvation.

Let us be bold, brothers and sisters!

“So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven" {Matthew 10:26-32}.

Life is Important

Life is important.

There is a tiny baby boy I have had the privilege of caring for in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. He barely weighs two pounds. Did that sink in? Two. Flipping. Pounds - just a little over twice the weight of a football. He was born severely premature, but you wanna know what? He's a fighter. I have walked into his room on multiple occasions only to find that he has managed to escape the little nest we created with rolls of blankets all around him. His scrawny, wrinkly legs are thrown over the side of his nest, and his hands cover his face as if to say, "I know I am not supposed to be positioned like this. Please don't be mad at me. Look how cute I am." I begin to rub his belly to wake him up and he crinkles his mouth, nose, and forehead as he slowly opens one eye to peak at me. This little boy has my heart. His life is powerful. It has impacted me beyond what I can even begin to explain.

Sometimes he forgets to breathe. The alarms from his monitors start beeping, and we rush into his room to see what's going on. He's turned a dusky pink color. His heart rate and oxygen saturation are dropping. We grab the bag-mask and deliver breaths. We monitor him. I rub his belly, attempting to stimulate him. He eventually figures it out. Like I said, he's a fighter.

I have recently found myself lingering by his bed after I finish his cares. I stare at the miniature features he possesses and notice how perfectly proportionate he is. He is completely identifiable as a baby human, just a tiny one at that.

There are babies aborted at his age.

Life is important.

Life gives us the opportunity to know a God who loves recklessly. Life gives us the opportunity to experience joy in community with other believers of the Good News. Life gives us the opportunity to sing praises to our King while our hearts long for our anticipated reunion with Him. Life gives us the opportunity to pick up someone's broken heart and whisper healing truths to it. Life gives us the opportunity to spread our only hope - the Gospel.

Life gives us the opportunity to impact and be impacted, to know and be known.

Life is important.

Are you choosing to live?

Beauty

This week, I came across a post that had been shared on Facebook by many of my friends. As I read the short paragraph, my heart froze. I stared at the last sentence, trying to unread it, trying to believe that sentence wasn't there - that many, many people, especially women, hadn't read it and believed it to be true. The post compared Kylie Jenner, daughter of the now Caitlyn Jenner, to Malala Yousafzai, the young woman who recently won the Noble Peace Prize for starting a school for Syrian refugees and who took a bullet in the face from the Taliban as a result of the corruption in her country. As you may have already guessed, the writer of the post was disgusted by Kylie and full of admiration for Malala. The last sentence of the post reads as follows:

"Last thing to note, Malala is infinitely more beautiful!"

No. Please, no. Do not believe this. This is a lie.

How can we walk around claiming every girl possesses beauty, yet so easily degrade another woman's image? What makes us believe we can label one woman as beautiful, yet strip another's beauty right from under her feet? Are we so special as to be the definers of beauty? Who defines beauty, anyway? What is considered beautiful?

The most beautiful moment in all of history was when God revealed His plan to save His beloved yet damned creation by the blood of His perfect Son. This is beauty, that Jesus Christ bled on a cross, all to give His people a home in Heaven with Him. This is beauty, that Jesus Christ wore a crown of thorns {Matthew 27:29}, yet chooses to crown His people with steadfast love and mercy {Psalm 103:4}. This is beauty, that Jesus Christ was stripped of His clothes and mocked {Matthew 27:28-31}, yet chooses to clothe His own with the garments of salvation and the robes of righteousness {Isaiah 61:10}. This is beauty, that Jesus Christ experienced true and divine abandonment from His Heavenly Father in order to bear the full weight of the Father's wrath {Matthew 27:46}, yet promises that He will be with His children always, to the end of the age {Matthew 28:20}.

I have no beauty apart from Him. You have no beauty apart from Him.

Yes, God created each and every one of us on this earth {Colossians 1:16}. He knit you together in your mother's womb {Psalm 139:13}. You are fearfully and wonderfully made {Psalm 139:14}. He calls His creation "very good" {Genesis 1:31}. Do not underestimate that truth! His work is GOOD. Yes, you, with the pimples that never seem to go away. Yes, you, with the extra inches around your waist that you fight so hard to hide. Yes, you, with the scrawny legs or the flat chest or the broad shoulders or the frizzy hair - you are beautiful. I am sitting here, also attempting to fight off the lies that tell me my recent body changes are ugly and undesirable. We all struggle with this at one time or another! Yet while I stress and focus on outward beauty, I am also being reminded this is not the beauty the Lord refers to again and again in His word {1 Peter 3:3-4}.

The beauty that was referred to in the post about Kylie Jenner and Malala Yousafzai was inward beauty. The writer of the post (and I'm sure much of the world) seems to believe that inward beauty is gained by doing good deeds, or by being brave in the face of adversity. I'm NOT saying that bravery and doing good AREN'T beautiful acts. I AM saying that we CANNOT EARN beauty. We cannot earn anything {Ephesians 2:8}.

So, then, what makes us beautiful on the inside?

Only by the transformation of our souls by the Lord are we beautiful {Romans 12:2}. It is not enough to try to do good, because we will fail. We all fall short {Romans 3:23}. We are all born into sin {Job 5:7}. We are all tainted, ugly, stained and damned, but by the beauty and grace with which He accomplished our salvation, we can be deemed a beautiful and new creation {2 Corinthians 5:17}. 

It doesn't just end there. If we embark on our journey with the Lord, He sifts through and filters out the parts of us that are like this world. This process, called sanctification, is different for everyone, but it can be extremely painful to have our eyes opened to the dirty and dark parts of us (speaking from experience). Revelation of our sin and ugliness, however, is for our good {1 Peter 1:7, Ephesians 1:17} so that we can be prepared to enter into the glory of the Lord in Heaven {Romans 6:22}. As the bad in us is revealed, He fights for us to have beauty through Him. He places specific callings on our hearts that develop differently in each of us to go out into this world and make disciples of Him.

True beauty is found in being one of the Lord's own children. Through the process of sanctification, the Lord makes us more like Him. And He, my friends, is the most beautiful of all.

"Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God shines forth" {Psalm 50:2}.